laura elizabeth

Just when you think you are getting over one thing; another takes it's place. I know I am a hard person to have as a child. I don't cower, I don't get walked all over but yet I still feel small when ignored. How can I ever say I aspire to be like my father in how he raised us if he doesn't even acknowledge that I am here. That his only biological grandson is alive? This will be the second Christmas and Thanksgiving that my father does not call, send cards or even send me an email. I am required to do all that but he doesn't even care about listening to me when I talk. He just brushes me off to the waste side in favor of my brother. He is so disconnected from my son that he doesn't even know how old he is anymore. His one birthday present in the last two years has been an age inappropriate gift that my son doesn't even know what to do with because it's for a child a third his age. I mean really, how are you so proud of me but you quit calling, writing, emailing or even asking about your grandson?

I am taking it one day at a time right now. I get through my pre-req classes and do my couponing daily but I still feel hollow. I don't know when that will change but I am trying. Here's to me I suppose.

Sunday, on Mother's Day, we had Alten's birthday party. It was nice and my mother and her husband gave him a lot of things. My father sent 25.00 for him but I haven't purchased anything for him yet because he still has toys from Christmas that he hasn't even opened yet. I got flowers for mother's day which are nice. I didn't want roses so I got carnations and another flower I can not remember the name of right now. Just a nice, calm day with family. I enjoyed it very much.

i am not entirely sure where to begin with what i want to say. carl and i are going through some period in our relationship where we seem more like friends than anything else and it stings. it's a deep down in the bone all through my body sting that i can not get away from. i am sure there are a few times in the last five months where he has wanted to throw the towel in and call it quits and i wouldn't blame him if he did. i am in love with him just as much as when i first met him but it feels like we are in a routine that is unbreakable. my gut reaction is to try and get through this but then we argue or have a blow up and it doesn't seem worth it anymore.

yesterday we had a pretty bad fight. not fists flying or anything but i was pretty sure one of us was moving out. we're just not the same anymore and it kills me to admit it. physically i have gained 60 pounds in three years; i mean what the fuck is that? i used to weigh 180 and i'm 5'9 so i looked nice but now i just hate my body. there are other things too. in february i did something i said i would never ever do but i did it anyway. this kills me to think about it and i do think about it a lot. carl and i both didn't want to do it but we ended up doing it anywhere and now we regret it. i never thought it would be one of those women that does it but i am. i do not know how to get a handle on myself or my emotions. why is that ??

near the end of the argument he suggested we go back to panama city. now, as much as i hate to pack up and move, i will do anything possible to get back the way we were before the house fire. i would even go as far as to say when we were living in the van while i was pregnant. we were homeless for a while and even that, over this, was more enjoyable. i have no one to talk to, no one to share anything with. carl hopes so deeply that i can be friends with sheila, our ex-roommate, but she has betrayed too many confidences and talked about not only me and my business but my relationship with carl. i can not be friends with a person like that. someone who has to live through other people's lives and try to ruin them in the process. i'm lost and don't know what to do with myself.

i have no job, i haven't had a job since july 27th, 2010. to top it off the company i worked for laid me off via the cellphone because they were afraid i already knew about it through a friend of mine that worked in the sister office and had been in the meeting. i was replaced, well not replaced but laid off to give the position back to the woman who had it before me. the excuse [ and that's what it was ] was that she could not handle change well so they were going to give her the old position that she had back. how does that make sense? oh, well she can not handle the job we have given her so let's put her in a position with even more responsibility [ handling checks, cc numbers and money ] so she can fuck up even more. let's not mention the three times she's been arrested; two for domestic violence and one for dui. i really want that type of person working in the legal department of my company.

i don't know, maybe it is just me. i am not sure of anything anymore.

I am not sure where to begin. The time that elapsed from my last post until now has been quite hectic. I completed my AA in Health Care Adminstration and have started my BS in Accounting. I also got laid off from my job and now draw unemployment. Life is grand, isn't it? I am highly disappointed in the one friend I thought I had where I worked, as she knew about my being laid off before I did and didn't give me one facet of "Psst hey, I gotta talk to you ... " Oh well, you can not trust anyone these days when it comes to job security and stability. In a turn of events that was very unexpected, my piece of crap brother moved out -- well kind of ran away like a little bitch --, quit his job mid shift and ran back over the Fort Pierce on the tank of gas I paid for so that he could go back and forth to work. Isn't that special? I mean really. To top it all off, he did it while Carl was away at CRST. Worthless piece of garbage that he is can't even bother to call me, he relays messages through my father; who additionally has no kudos in my book because he allows my brother to do this type of shit without so much as getting onto his ass. It irks me because if it were me, my father would scream and holler and throw stuff at me.



Oh! The best news though, Alten started school, well Head Start really but it's school. I was so happy when I got the phone call about him being at the top of the wait list for the school Carl and I wanted him to go to. This school is very exceptional in it's Head Start program and the teacher is great. She says I am her School Mom because I am able to be there when she calls (the whole jobless, unemployment sucking thing, you know?) if she needs help or if the kids need cookies or something for their Friday snack. It's about 1:15 in the morning and I can't sleep so maybe I will go watch television, that always helps me fall asleep. Goodnight.

One day in the year is set aside for mothers... how strange a custom! Like setting one day aside to grasp the beauty of the sun, the moon, the stars and all the lovely, natural things that bring warmth, light, comfort.


May times I have longed to set my thoughts down upon paper. Not in the flower language of greeting cards, but in the simple language of love. I write the words, "Dear Mother" -- lovely tender words -- and grow silent beneath the weight of thoughts and memories that, lying buried like precious jewels beneath the dust of years, arise clear and glowing in my mind.


Impossible to describe the homely beauty of these thoughts: warm kitchen filled with the scent of bread; sunlight dappling a clean white clothe, touching the rosy apples in their copper bowl; tender memories of loving acts and dreary tasks done smilingly while the sun shone and the years marched swiftly past, and youth, perhaps secretly mourned, passed with it.


How describe the broad, deep-bosomed earth, symbol of maternity ... awakening in the spring of the year, lying fruitful beneath the summer sun, resting from its labors in the autumn, and dreaming peacefully wrapt in snowy mantle? Dwelling upon these thoughts we hear, borne strong on the wind, the galloping hoofs of time astride the ceaseless cycles of the years, drawing nearer and nearer. Then caught by a vague feat, we say or we think or we write, "Dear Mother". -- Ester Elwofsky

So, Im officially addicted to the McDonalds Mocha Frappes (and I hate coffee with a passion). I can not get enough of them. Right now, I am sunburnt from spending the day with my handsome guys out by the pool but, it's Alten's birthday so with us not doing his party until next weekend, I took him to get a shake and I got a frappe -- yummo. I made chicken pot pie for dinner and it's in the oven cooking right now.


I know it's been a long time and it's been hectic around here. We are nice and comfy in our home right now and I am happy we do not have a looming presence of psycho in our home now. Carl and I are having a blast with Alten. I am doing really well at work and am closer to home now as the big boss got wind of me having to do almost everything in the other office and moved me to the Lakeland facility permanently. The next step is being hired on which will not happen until October when the new fiscal budget is written and they change the other girls title to give it to me. I am really happy about that. The insurance is something to be desired but oh well, I would like to feel like a part of a company again instead of just being a temp. I have been a temp for the last year and have learned so much it's crazy.


My laptop charger went out and I had three days without a computer and then I had a week with a rigged charger before my new charger came in the mail. I love it. It charges my computer so much better than the other one did. I am almost done with my courses, just 4 (including the ones I am in right now) until I get my degree. I am so fricking happy. Anyway, I think I am done with writing in here for now. I should post tomorrow if I have a change. See ya later (like anyone reads this thing). Bye Bye

so, christmas was wonderful. we ate too much, we drank too much and alten had the best expressions on his face when he opened everything (that included the clothes too). i love seeing him grow and register more and more with each passing minute. he was thrilled last year but not to the extent this year brought on. he tore into the presents and just had this humongous smile on his face the while time. he wouldn't even eat his breakfast and we had cinnamon rolls and fruit. lol. he's too much often times and i smile when i think of him and his father. they played race the remote control dump truck and front end loader and i got a video of his opening christmas presents.



we had a blast ... and then i had to come back to work on monday and it has been all down hill from there. is it too much to say i hate one of my co workers? i don't know if i fully hate her but i am beginning to get to that level of anger inside. lol. i laugh but this is very serious. it's almost like she is scared because i can do her job better than she can do her own job and she is threatened or jealous of it. i do not know how else to explain it. she's been this way since i was moved to my own office/cubicle area.



i do look forward to the coming year however because alten will be starting school and carl and i will be trying for a second child. i am excited. i don't think we will start "practicing" until summer end because i refuse to have to go all summer with no fun in the boat. i love going out in the boat and we are going to make several trips this year as we did this past year. alas, i must move along because my hour is up for lunch and i have to go get a drink and get back to the tasks at hand. lovely updating, maybe i'll do it again sometime!

ornaments. fresh frazier fur trees. lights. the smell of cinnamon in the air. i love this time of year but it saddens me right now because i will not be going to see my father, nor will my father be coming to see me this year. we have not had such a wonderful visit the last two times and i can not contemplate as to why. i'm at work right now, so i can not dwell on it too much but it bothers me immensely to know i will not see my family this year. i have my mother whom moved over here two months ago but .. it won't be the same. i will write more when i get home. hopefully i have a good day without any problems. i am getting over time this week for my next week's paycheck.

so, let's see what has changed since the last time i posted? well, i am not watching the notebook right now, but if it comes on i can make no promises. my brother moved in with us so carl went and helped him pack his stuff up before he moved over here. it's not like he had a ton of stuff, just enough to fit in a room. i felt so bad for him because his man troll pig girlfriend was moving to pensacola and he had to mvoe back in with my father. yeah, right. so he called and i joked about him moving here; didn't know he was going to ask to move in with us. it's no problem though; we have enough room for him. alten is sleeping in our room for now until we find a three bedroom when this lease is up. we're not going to continue having a room mate, she's too psycho. it's gotten to an unhealthy point in the past but we've needed her money and with her money for some of the bills, we have to deal with her family calling us to want to "talk to us about sheila". it's tiresome.


i am enjoying my job but i wish they would hire me on as an employee instead of keeping me as a temp. i learned thursday about the benefits the company has and it makes me want to be hired on even more. oh well.


carl and i have been together for almost six years and we have a beautiful son who amazes us every day it seems. i am so thankful that i have found someone to spend a life time with and i was only 19 when we met. i guess at 19 some people don't know what they want but i did. i wanted to start my life and begin my career. i know as my son grows i don't want my child to go through the things i went through and the things carl went through when he was growing up. my mother talked about my father and my father talked about my mother; carls mother did the same thing about his father. we moved a million times when my brother and i were kids and i never felt like i belonged. there were other factors in my childhood that sucked.


anyway, live life and prosper. lol. peace.

so, today, i received my password and log-in information for the entire pbs system (billing, accounts, payments, subscriptions) and my own log-in to my computer. in the next few days i will have my own phone line and all that other jazzy stuff. i wish i was more than part time right now, though. i`m not saying we don`t have enough to make it on, i just wish they would take me on as full time; you know? i put in the application for the legal department head two months ago and i`ve almost completed my ninety day period through the temporary agency but i want to be hired on now. i would feel much more accomplished than i do right now. i am currently in my sixth block of course and i am passing right now. i have an assignment to do actually in my medical language course, it's worth one hundred points and i am already two days late. oh well. i am in no rush right now. carl and i were talking about getting annual passes to cypress gardens and their waterpark, whatever the hell the name of it is. alten is doing well, he's just gotten some new clothes because my father came over and wanted to buy him some toys and carl and i are killing ourselves on the toys he has now so i asked my dad if he could purchase some clothing instead. he weighs thirty seven pounds now, i can not believe he's growing like he is. he's also going through a growth spurt. when carl took him to his appointment for three year old physical, the doctor said he would be between five ten and six foot tall. he's going to be taller than carl and i both. if he has carl's build and my brains he'll be good. i hope he does well in school, i truly do. he is so intelligent and helpful at this age in his life, i hope that desire to help stays. he's my angel. i wouldn't ask for another child to replace him any day, ever. i do not know what we would do without him and his smiling face every day.


my dad thinks that if he takes him over to his house for a little while, i will call crying and wanting him back {which i probably would} because carl and i have never spent a night apart from him -- ever. funny huh? i don't think it is. i think that he's turned out the way he is because of it. he is outgoing and what not but he is very well mannered and quiet. he always wants to help, i've already said this thougj, but it's the truth. anyway, i need to shower and get into my night clothes. good night.

" On the Indian summer night of Nov. 14, 1959, two criminals visited this haunting geography. With a knife and a 12-gauge shotgun, they robbed and murdered a man and his wife and their son and daughter. The deed filled the scene. It echoed through the lives of all who lived nearby, rushing toward some appalling, mysterious point of psychic infinity. It made haggard men out of the guardians of order. Eventually through a fluke almost as gratuitous as the killing itself, they captured the murderers. On an April night last year, as rain beat on the roof, the two were hanged in a chilly warehouse in the corner of the yard of the Kansas State Penitentiary at Lansing. "

so, i am officially alone right now to do my two final papers in the two courses I am taking. what fun right? wrong, so totally wrong it's not funny. i didn't pay much attention to these two courses so i am at a loss as to how to do the papers, shocking huh? i told my fiance about it and he told me i am bored because i am so smart (aw moment, so nah nah). i am not into the college courses like i initially was and i do get bored. i do not read all the materials but have passed all my courses so far. my first two courses i was so extremely nervous about missing one assignment i was on there six times a day seven days a week, now i am lucky if i even get on the required amount of time each week. so bored but hell, the money is worth going to school, plus i am getting an education *smile* so i can be a grown up girl in a few years. woot. alten fell asleep watching television in our room so i gotta turn the tv off and make him pee before he pees my bed (oh god). he doesn't do it often at all, he's not a bed pisser -- not even in his bed, surprising for a 3 year old i know but he is amazing. of course he is, he's my son. anyway, peace.

So I totally have a new job in an advertising department no less. i have stepped up to the big leagues, lmao. whatever. totally just part time right now at the front desk doing spreadsheets and what not on 2008 and 09 totals. i am a copy girl too. :D. i like it. it gets me out of the house and away from the abundance of testosterone for a little while through the week. hopefully (keep your fingers crossed) i will be full time before too long. yay. oh yeah i do billing and take payments too. sweet stuff.



we finally met our neighbors two houses down and they have a sweet little girl that alten has dubbed his girlfriend and she has told me he is her boyfriend. totally cute. i gotta get a picture of them soon. i tell him we are going to see her and his eyes get so huge and he smiles. her mother and father are pretty cool and i usually don't like people. i like them, they aren't asses. i think my roommate has finally learned her boundaries though, she stays in her room when they're here. we don't mess with her friends, she doesn't mess with ours. anyway, i`m off to surf the net. peace.

so, we had altens (belated) birthday party this past weekend and it was wonderful. there was a few people i wish would have come but other than that we had fun. my dad and my grandparents got to come and stay from thursday until sunday morning. carl and i slept on the living room floor -- which we will never do again. i woke up so totally sore on sunday. alten got a new tractor from my dad and we bought him a slip and slide. my dad bought hordes of groceries for us because he says he doesn't get to do anything for us anymore so he wanted to do that. lol. okay. less money i gotta spend and he's pretty cool, you know? we don't let him do anything for us anymore but he wanted to this time. sheila didn't buy him anything but she really wasn't around for much of the day anyway. she likes to stay in her room like a fucking princess or something. it's annoying but oh well. i think that we had too much food and cake left over. we were still eating burgers and hot dogs on monday. lol. i can not believe my little man is three already. i can remember what it was like laying in the hospital the first time i held him. i think he was and still is the most beautiful child i have ever laid my eyes on.


i wish i could keep him little (like 4 months old) for longer than just a month. he was so quiet when he was a child and mainly he still is unless he is playing with his father and i. he loves his daddy so much. carl could be coming down the hill to the house and alten is screaming "it's dadda; that's dada" and runs to the door. although he doesn't walk anywhere and never has. if he's not running he's not going. i tell him to walk over and over and he walks for two seconds then bolts. i guess i would be upset if he wasn't so good. i've watched other mothers in the store with their children and i`m like .. whoa. with alten he is quiet and doesn't grab at things so, most of the time when we are leaving the store we're in he gets some kind of type or goodie. it's only fair i suppose.


there is a little girl two house down and when he sees her he is like .. heart and starried eyes all in one. it is soooo adorable. the last two times they were around each other they were in their bathing suits and he just can not stop looking at her. he is so infatuated and she is sooo cute. lol. she has to stand next to him when they're around each other. i am like awwww. and it makes me want a little girl even more so it's kind of like oh lord and aw at the same time. oh well. off to post in others comment sections and stuff. peace.

so, with the realization that i am not going to jump into a job in the next two days, i've sat and thought about this for a while. it's been on my mind all weekend. will i be able to find a job in the next week? i've given myself a deadline. i must have a job by this coming friday or i will settle for flipping burgers (8.00) an hour at the local mcdonalds. that was my first job ever. mcdonalds in panama city. i used to have to say "welcome to the st andrews mcdonalds, how may i take your order?". cheesy huh? yes, i know and for a whole two months i thought so. i quit that job. walked right off after the manager decided to be a dipshit and mess with my paycheck. he was a dip stick in so many ways. i had a lesbian manager named charlene, she was okay. sometimes i do not know what i want out of life. do i want to stay at home with alten and go nutso with no adult to talk to for hours on end or do i want to work and miss major mile stones in his life? i want a little bit of both but how do you get that? how does anyone ever really know for sure what they want? they dont. do i know? sure dont. all i know is i want to be around for everything my son does but i want to be able to provide a home for him as well. screwy huh? yeah, that's life.

so, it's quite simple. i am a failure as a mother and provider for my son. it's cut and dry, there are no two ways about it. i have done nothing in the way of obtaining a job; though i have filled out multiple applications and contacted those to let the employer know i was available for work, yet still nothing. isn't that great. now, what is going to happen is, i'm going to lose my home, my truck and my son all within weeks if i can not find something. i can't afford to take something at 6 or 8 dollars an hour but i afraid i will have to. isn't that great? all my check will go to gas and not much else. so wonderful. carl has had the same luck but what type of luck is that? bad luck. all of these work at home businesses that flood my email box want me to give them my credit card info, yeah sure. here you go, just take whatever you want from me and we're done. wow. i don't think so. alten is sitting right next to me right now eating peanut butter crackers and drinking apple juice. that's another thing, his birthday party was moved to next weekend because i'm too poor right now to buy his cake or birthday gift. isn't that something? hahah, sorry ass mother i am.

i. lost. my. job. what the fuck am i supposed to do? i filled out apps all day friday and i still feel useless. what the fuck? i didn't see it coming. i was doing everything right. no disciplinary actions, no conferences, no talks ... just ... 24 hour notice. i was paid for friday papers and that's it. my son's birthday is next week. do you know how useless i`ll feel if i can't even get his cake? i am such a disgrace. that's how i feel and carl is telling me not to feel like that, things will be okay but they wont be okay. if i can't find a job i will not be able to pay lights, rent and anything else i need. my son will be gone and i will be a piece of shit mother. what the fuck. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. i can not breathe. i have to go.

so let's see if i can change the font on this page. i can't and haven't figured out the overrides and i do not plan to do so. ohhhh well. let's see. we went to fort pierce this past weekend and now, i am peeling on my nose and LOVE it. so much better than being pale and stuff. alten absolutely loves the boat. he falls asleep in it after a little while ( in the front no less ) and just stays right there. of course we move him. when it's just carl and i we put him under the cooler area cause there's a two foot high space on the "passenger" side of the boat for him to lay and then get back up if he wants. i had a nice little mini vacation away from work and i don't hate going to work now. i miss the 230 dollars i paid the two women for the days i was gone but oh well. on friday we docked at the ft pierce marina and went to the tiki hut to eat. they have wonderful food there, i was hoping it wasn't too expensive. heck, we stopped at the causeway and i got out of the boat and walked to chucks seafood and bar or whatever and i will not pay 42 dollars for some f'ing surf and turf. if it costs that much i`ll go catch my own shrimp and skin a cow. i was like ... " y'all don't have burgers? my husband really wants a burger " lol. so stupid.


alten loved the little fishies on the wall at the tiki hut so when i took him to wash his hands he had to look at every one of them. for a child who refuses to talk (and i do mean refuses) he was talkative all weekend. i got the see my grandparents, of course, i am not going to their house cause they have some child molesting 20 something african american whom is "helping" with groceries while nailing my younger cousin. she is so stupid. i swear to god, it's unreal. it makes me sick to my stomach knowing she's doing that in my grandmother's house. i used to live there and never disrespected my grandmother like that. i never disrespected her anyway. oh well, another story in and of itself.


i got my loan approvals for my sophomore year the other day so now all i have to do is wait for the money. lol. i have been searching for cars and don't seem to be able to find any. i want a jeep, maybe 99 to 03. it would be nice. i get tired of climbing into the truck to go down to wal*mart or walgreens. the truck has straight pipes on it and a back up beep. it's really carl's truck. recently he put 35 in tires on it so it's even harder to get into. I am like ... trying not to have to take a flying leap to get into the darn thing but other than that, how do i get into it? lmao, i almost forgot, carl went to some four wheeler park last month and got stuck in the mud .. oh a four wheeler. i have pictures and i gotta upload them to photobucket. i should do that right now. alten and i didn't go with him, he went with this guy he knows. we're supposed to go out there to go camping sometime this summer. lol. anyway. i gotta go, alten is in there using the sink for something and i gotta help. peace.

so my mother visiting wasn't all that bad. she brought a ton of toys for alten and he just loved them and her. i was amazed at how fast he took to her. i am proud of him, he was very good as well. he did throw one major temper tantrum when i told him he couldn't have his toys anymore, that we were going night night. oh well, isn't that what three year olds do though? lol. he's out in the pool right now kicking and splashing around. we are off to ft pierce, florida in three days and i am excited. i have not had a night off in over a year. i am worn out on the routes i have to do. yes, they are only taking up 4 hours of my time a night but it's 365 days a year and i am tired of the every single fucking night thing. oh well, just posting a little. see ya.

so, today was sunday paper day and to say the least i was extremely tired when i got home. this has been an uneventful day -- the most thus far. i woke up like two hours ago and have just been working on my school work for now. i am contemplating switching schools to get my lpn licensure. i think that would be a wonderful career move for the future on my part. they make, i think, 21 to 25 an hour down here. it would be wonderful financially as well. i would be able to purchase a home or even have one built in a few years. that's my dream. i want a son and daughter, to own my own home and to be married or engaged by the time i am thirty,l which is in a little more than five years. i think i can accomplish this. i want to do better than my mother did so that she and my dad can be super proud of me. my dad already says he's proud of me for not doing to my child what my mother did to my brother and i which is move constantly. i got tired of that by move time three, why should i do that to my child. i've done well for mywself so far with the help of carl. i don't know how i would be sane if it weren't for carl most of the time. there are plenty of twenty four year olds still living at home with momma and daddy but i do not see how they can do it. i would hate it. i left when i had just turned 19 and have not been back since, i don't think i need to go back. thats regression not progression.


alten has been killing himself all day on his toys and so now he is in my lap. which, is killing my legs for him to be sitting here and wanting to push all kinds of buttons but what do you do? sometimes, life is hard with one child but how can a woman have 14 or 18 kids and still feel like a person instead of a milk center? i think that woman should have her children taken from her until she can get a house of her own or a better job. can you imagine the toll it's taking on her parents? ew. i wonder what her cooch looks like. ew, totally gross but so what? did she have all the kids by c-section? i guess i am the only one to think of what her puss looks like but wouldn't you wonder? i mean seriously, 14 kids? yikes, stripes. anyway, she's a nutcase and should be taken away to a insane asylum. seriously.

we went out in the boat yesterday into the bay. it was so much fun. goodness. we even went up under the sunshine skyway and sat for a few minutes. below is a picture of the sunshine skyway. :) i had so much fun with my little boy and his daddy. woo. hoo.

we purchased a 19 foot monterey from this kid in spring hill the other day for 3000.00 and it's a really nice boat. i cant for the life of me remember the size of the engine but it's not an outboard; i`ll tell you that. we took and cleaned it out after we brought it home the other day. i vaccumed the floor of it and go the trash out the kid had left behind. it's a really pretty boat. anyway, i have school work to catch up on or i am going to fail this set of courses. see ya.

So tomorrow we are purchasing a 20ft mako with a 225 horse power johnson. hell yes, deep sea fishing here i come. yes, totally redneck but fuck whomever doesn't like it. i've never been but i need to get my pasty ass in the sunlight where i can not hide. it's great. i am so excited and we are getting it in the morning tomorrow. i get a new bathing suit and dresses to go over it. WOW. i am so excited -- SHOPPING! let's see. my dad finally closed on his new house over on the east coast. i haven't went and looked at it yet but if he says it's nice it's usually very fucking nice. i got a notice in my email yesterday about adsences in one of my courses but it's cause i didn't sign in for a few days. oh well. i get money again in the beginning of may so it's going to a new vehicle for me. yay me. we are almost done paying off the f250. i think i have like 800 dollars left on it to pay and then i am done. anyway, i must do my class work now so see ya.

so, i've had the worst possible day i think i've had in a long time. first off, i busted my coffee pot in the porcelain sink ( i hate that motherfucker so much ); so now i can't make tea or hot chocolate at all. i'm feeling so mean right now i have to walk away from my fiance so that we don't argue. it's pathetic i know. i just can not get a handle on the day. it's 340pm and i'm still trying to wake myself up. yes, i work nights but i woke up 3 hours ago. my roommate is an absolute cunt rag. i wish she would move out already -- it's starting to get to me. her son in a princess. no joke, he walks with his hand out and cocked; has to touch everything and get this -- cries if he even hears scary music. i hate that i feel like this. oh yeah, and the garbage hasn't been taken out; i have to purchase new tires for my vehicle, my other vehicle just sits in the yard half of the time because 900 dollars a week with my bills does not leave much money for fun anymore.


ontop of everything else i have a nagging in the back of my brain that tells me we should try for another child. isn't that something? our son is 3 and i already want another child. i see these little girls walking around and i just am like .. i want a little girl. crazy huh? i know it's pathetic all in all but damn ... can i do any better today? i go to get the flour out to make a rue for my chicken pot pie and guess what? that bitch down the hall of the house used the last of the flour and didn't buy anymore. this means what? i have to get dressed; lean my house in this god awful heat and treck up to walmart which is under construction and packed more tightly than a constipated fat bitch who eats nothing but peanut butter and cheese all day. i hate that store and it's right down the road from me. ugh.

Hello, hello. This is my first actual post. I can not believe the difference in the sites of the last journals and this. I am not paying for some extra account. LMAO. Sorry Charlie. No way. anyway. let's see. What can I say ... Uhm, there's someone posting on my journal and I have no idea whom he/she is. HELP. Okay, gotta do school work now. Bye Bye.

hey all. Just testing out. blah blah blah blah blah. here i go again. la la la la la la la la. hey all. Just testing out. blah blah blah blah blah. here i go again. la la la la la la la la. hey all. Just testing out. blah blah blah blah blah. here i go again. la la la la la la la la. hey all. Just testing out. blah blah blah blah blah. here i go again. la la la la la la la la. hey all. Just testing out. blah blah blah blah blah. here i go again. la la la la la la la la. hey all. Just testing out. blah blah blah blah blah. here i go again. la la la la la la la la. hey all. Just testing out. blah blah blah blah blah. here i go again. la la la la la la la la. hey all. Just testing out. blah blah blah blah blah. here i go again. la la la la la la la la. hey all. Just testing out. blah blah blah blah blah. here i go again. la la la la la la la la. hey all. Just testing out. blah blah blah blah blah. here i go again. la la la la la la la la.